Open my eyes...

Oh how I would love to have my eyes back. The eyes of that five year old child. Every time I was taken to get my eyes checked the Ophthalmologists were impressed at how good I was able to see. I definitely did not need glasses. Man, have times changed! 21 years later, I get teased for looking over my rimmed, unstylish glasses, as an old lady would, man, have times changed:)

I really want to talk about perspective. I saw things in a different light long ago. No one could do wrong. The hero's in my life, through those eyes, are the very people that I struggle to be in relationship with today. The ones whom I have set high expectations on and have critically ripped apart with judgement.

Who were these hero's? My family, but in particular my dad. I am my dad's only daughter and He was this great man in my eyes. He was not only my friend but was like a big brother who defended me. At about 14-15years old, I continued to confide in him as a friend and brother but when the tough conserns came along, he agreed with me and so I was not challenged. I felt like the parent. I was looked up too.

I felt as if I were talking to myself and answering myself on those tough choices like what to wear, who to date..ect. These choices were difficult to make on my own, I needed a man to guild that area of my life. That was the end of that relationship in my eyes. I just stopped asking. I grew angry and began to resent him. I knew I needed a father, but I told myself that I was going to be OK with out one. I told myself: Amanda, you will figure it out somehow, someway, someday.

I thought that, when the Lord came into my life my eyes would see daddy differently, guess what...they did my expectations now got higher and because he could not compete with God, I figured, I really don't need him now. Then I read The Bible and became angry that I still had to love him as I loved myself..grrr. I said: "O'well God you'll change me if you want me to love him (my attitude was completely wrong-and unwilling to submit-I wanted God to do all the work and make things perfect).

I then started to struggle with unfaithfulness to God and looked for who to blame. Guess who that qualified candidate was-Yup, he got blame for that too. My argument was:

I don't know how to be your child...My father never taught me how to honor him, and respect him. How can I do that, now to you, who are, what he is "a Father". This is all his fault, now my walk is messed up because of him!

What a fool I was to think such things-thank God for his Word that totally corrects my rational thinking.

God in his love (for me and daddy)assured me that he would teach me how to be a child...not only to Him, but also the my parent-in whom he entrusted me to. That gave me closure but didn't change my sight just yet. It was gonna take more than that, and some, and I have not arrived, BUT I am a WIP (work in progress).

I sometimes run when ever daddy invites me out, or wants to spend quality time with me, only because, my mind was set on me thinking I knew what would happen. But yesterday (mother's day) I decided to spend it with him. I want to get to know him through these new eyes, but I realize that in order for that to happen I have to give him a chance and make room-lots of room for disappointment and for the opposite of that. My expectations had to come down some, and I have to continue to keep my eyes fixed on the Father, who will help me love his son (my father). It's a matter of living beyond myself (that kinda sounds horrible because he's my dad, but it is what it is until it changes). I'm willing, here I am Lord, second by second.

I may not love everything about my dad, but one thing I know is that God is real in him today. I can see the Christ in him in how he is dealing with situations today. He is not the man he use to be.

I love the Holy Spirit who gives us new eyes so that we can see Him. Now, whenever I feel like shutting my ears when dad speaks into my life-I stop and listen to what Christ may say through him.

God is not a respecter of man and He will use anyone to speak-hey, he uses me at times(which makes me think God is insane-in the most reverent way;)) so why wont he use dad, and He has.

My hurting defensive prayer use to be: God I don't want restoration, its too late. But today: I ask God to open the eyes of my heart, and to allow me to see daddy in the love that Jesus has for me. I know God'll do it. Because all things work out for the good of those who love him-and we both do so that a double whammy.