"Our spirit is the most important part of who we are. And yet we rarely spend time developing our inner life. That’s what Spiritual Formation is all about."I read this in writing that was given to the people that will be facilitating the group process of Spiritual formation in the Fall. I read this handout more than once and every time I did the same line jumped out at me. Something within me leaped with excitement (perhaps my neglected spirit) almost causing tears to run down my face. I didn't feel guilt, but I was sad because I realized that I had been trying to become better by doing things, not realizing that in doing them…I was not "being" in the moment enough to nurture my spirit.
I wake up every morning and shower, making sure that I wash behind my ears and between my toes…oh and never forgetting my scalp. That I wash with special invigorating shampoos. I then moisturize and make sure that my face has the following: Eye cream, sunscreen, foundation…and all the other things that I think it needs. I don't leave the house with out the following items: deodorant (lest I develop a stench after a long day of work) or make-up (to reapply). Always making sure that I look and feel fresh. I sanitize and wash my hands often…oh and brush my teeth at least three times a day. All that to say that I make sure that my body is well kemp.
If I was reading about hygiene then I would have probably ran through my checklist of things, proudly saying…I'm good. This is not what I felt after reading "What Is Spiritual Formation". Maybe guilt was what I was feeling…but not a bad guilt…actually a good enough guilt to show me that I have not been "good to myself". Sure, I buy lots of products, & toiletries…but there was a deeper good…a true "good" that I wasn't.
I've been anxious lately. Maybe my spirit has been trying to let me know some things. Here is what a conversation between my spirit and mind would probably look like:
spirit: "hey, please feed me and bring ease to me. I could use some mediation, prayer, fasting, and study…I'm starving. And if you are good to me you'll experience liberation in some areas…please take care of me…I will make you beautiful on the outside."
mind: "But, spirit I have been reading, not eating, praying and thinking a lot as of late…isn't that good enough? Why is that not working for you!?!"
spirit: "you have been doing those things…yes, but not for me :-( you have been doing them for other reasons…and you've rushed them. What you meditate on is not cognizant of what I need. You fast, fast and don't stop thinking about what you are fasting from. When you pray…well...I won't get into that. And your study is for your brain…not for my benefit. Don't feel bad…I'm just asking to be taken care of and considered. I am so weak that my default is sleep...more than I need to.
mind: I didn't even realize that this is what was happening; It's no wonder I've been feeling spurts of unhappiness. I've even been asked "Waz up? You okay?"
It's amazing that others (who are in community with me) know that my poor spirit is needing care. The answer to "Waz up?" was becoming clearer to me as I was putting packets together for a Small Group Leaders training. I was noticing that I was not okay…at least not my inner man. So now what? First I had to repent. Second, thank the Holy Spirit for allowing me to see my discard. Third, train…train myself with a bigger purpose…not to be "loved, impress others or God" but because my inner man is limping and needs to be made well.
I don't have the power at all to make my spirit well, but I do have the power to sit and "offer my doing to the Lord" and allow the Spirit of Jesus to lift my spirit up. I will start some spiritual disciplines now…but I can't wait to be and do this with others.
This is my confession of how my spirit is…or rather my long answer to "how are you doing?"
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